Her

You know who you are and you know I love you. Co dependence is a layer of addiction that kills you spirit, open your eyes and guard your heart. Love ya’all!!!

The emotion of a single tear flows through my veins like lightning. My breath thinks while my heart stops to wonder about the streak of pain lining the beauty of a smile. It’s a moment defined, a connection that words can’t create, yet I struggle with the expression in an attempt at understanding.

How do I reflect on a distant person inside me that I was. I love myself and hate her! She represents all I’ve never understood about myself and life. I hate she thrives on my failure and blindfolds my spirit to walk in dark places that I would never go. I can’t forget her and that’s the worst part. If I ignore her she creeps into my conscience and wrecks havoc on my life. I have to love her. I have to take her good qualities and walk away.

Its like shedding skin that I saw as beautifully glamorous, but everyone else saw a mottled mess. How could she masquerade as me. I’m not who you saw, you saw her wrapped around the beautiful person I am. I screamed inside to you, but all you saw was her, and that made her stronger and me weaker. You wouldn’t talk to her, hug her, or grab her and take her to a home, but I was inside her screaming for you to take me away.

You knew me, and judged her, but I suffered through the blindness. I couldn’t always reach out through her web of deceit. She lied to you while I wept, she stole from you while I hated her for it, she used my body and I was ashamed. I wanted truth, loyalty, and love. She showed me hate and lies wrapped in a twisted basket of love; and I knew love once. She couldn’t deceive me when she said you didn’t care, I knew you were just looking for me.

Well now I’m here and I see the echo of her face in your halfhearted smile and condescending comments. Now we talk, we no longer feel. I’m past that now and you’ve lost an opportunity at grace. I’m sorry that now you have to share hate, lies, and shame. I see them in every memory you share to lift your spirits. I’m more than a story or anchor for your insecurities. I don’t deserve the memories played back for entertainment, I deserve to be set free on a new path without the burden of her and you.

I’m free now and my spirit soars in the light. Your shadows and her lies don’t affect me anymore. I’m in control of me and she has no place in my life, nor does anyone who liked her. I’m not a mirror for you to reflect her image so your selfie looks better. I don’t worry anymore because I have empathy now that I’ve seen what that is. I only wish you would have known and shown me your lighter side.I can only hope you’ll find your her in the mirror and someone will run to you and unravel your darker mysteries.

As I travel down the road looking in the rear view mirror I’m not sad, nor am I happy. Just a little melancholy that I left her with you at the crossroads. I had to, there’s no room in me or my world for either one of you. I supported you both emotionally and all it got me was lost. The sad part is neither of you care and you’ll be off to consume the next victim before I round the corner. Hopefully they will find true love and friendship faster than I did because the only thing ya’all can offer is pain. Goodbye!!!!

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