Dream Church!

I want to go to that church where they use a tuning fork in the beginning of praise and worship because musical instrument are a tool of the devil. It would be so cool,; you walk in and there’s a box in the narthex where you put your offering and no one knows who is tithing what. I’d walk right up and slip a note in there that says “Sorry, maybe next time!”, then pull up my britches like a just put a years salary in there.

So in anticipation of the “praise and worship” I’d walk down the aisle looking for the biggest woman in the pews, ( I always wondered if they called them pews cause the cushions stink from fat folks doing that “silent fart” thing), anyway I could snuggle in real tight and smile at the awkwardness of the moment. I know my “Bathroom Polo” gets on folks nerves, but it cover the smell of the “silent farts”!

Then Hubert walks to the front of the aisle and stands in front of the communion table and holds up a tuning fork in one hand and a metal stick in the other, “Ding”! The tone and pitch are set and everyone goes “Aghhhhhhhhhh” till we’re all on key. Then the coolest thing happens! The preacher breaks out with KC and the sunshine bands “Get Down, Get Down!”

All the big girls start wiggling with their hands up and I’m in the middle gettin thrown around like a middle schooler at Six Flags singin and laughing. Little kids start flying around as a result of getting hit in the head with oversized breasts not properly secured. Old dudes with walkers and oxygen tanks breathing hard and rocking out with one hand on the pew and the other on the seat of their pants holding onto the last moment of dignity. And then the silent prayer happens and everyone stops and thinks of the sins they just committed against their neighbor.

Then the message. It starts off slow and quiet, adjectives drip with guilt as verbs silently fly like daggers in a den of thieves. Remorse float in the air mixing with silent farts creating a green mist that’s mistaken for envy and the preacher starts raising his voice and his hands out towards the guilty, the sinful! Now the pitch is venomous and I’m reminded that about this time the church next door is letting the snakes out of the cage, I silently prat that none gets loose and slithers our way, cause they don’t like Baptist, especially primitive ones!

The preacher starts to quiet down a bit now that we all feel guilty, but he gives a break and let’s on that there is one more roller coaster ride coming with the closing hymn. Everyone’s facial expression turns from solemn to hopeful. I’m wondering if it’s because the preacher says it’s ok we just gotta try harder and pray, or if it’s cause in a few moments we’ll all be gettin down again.

As I look around I feel good. I made it to church again and I’m gettin saved. I don’t know if God is smiling down on us and our prayers are heard all the time. But I believe he gets a good laugh and shakes his head at the unruliness of this service. He may even shake his hips a little when Hubert hits the tuning fork and we all go “Aghhhhhhh”. Cause in a few seconds we’re all gonna get down, (not on our knees) and praise him like its 1999.


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