Memories strike like lightning bolts full of anxiety leaving me frozen in time. You flash across my horizon in seconds I can’t see, but feel non the less. Each bolt rips a horizontal chasm in my reality as if within the streak of light is the other side of us.
Eyes dart inside my motionless body as the silence of something short of fear covers my thoughts like a blanket. Quietly I stare, like a noise or smell could change the trajectory of my life.
Is it hope or fear, or a wave of confusion. How did your memory become electric. Static and fluid chasing something short of dreams around my mind. You live within my hopes and fears now, like when you left.
You had till death do us part, I never had a divorce. Ill be married to you for ever. Together forever was your promise. You didn’t tell me it was your forever, without me, so now I stand here in the vacuum of us.
Memories aren’t dreams. Like panic isn’t fear. Together we created this sphere that spins within my soul, and now I awaken startled that anxiety is all I have left of us, but all storms pass and the memory of your smile still brightens my day.
So this is love and loss, memories and dreams, panic and fear. I struggle daily to not let this define us, and like a stormy day, the memory of your smile shines through to the other side of a new me.
I forgive you today, now that I understand you weren’t all that left. I understand you’re not coming back with the pieces of me you took. So now I fill those empty spaces with the pieces of you I kept, the good and the bad. But that’s life and loss, that’s us. A fragmented possibly of forever cut short by decades of if.