Tag Archives: relationships

Expectations

Expectations are dangerous in many ways. Depending on folks takes trust. Believing in yourself raises doubts. Some times we work hard and it doesn’t pay off.

The most dangerous expectation is that everyone loves you. It’s this all or nothing thing wrapped in co dependence and Facebook cliches. It’s like folks don’t understand social media is virtual, not actual for most folks.

It’s ok if folks just “like” you. That’s probably closer to normal. It’s also closer to normal that someone may like you, but not like some things you do, that’s normal too. Like say for instance, someone may not like the way you need to be loved by anyone you come into contact with, especially virtual contact like social media, but like the way you hope for the best.

I think expectations about others based on anything but human contact is the beginning of a dysfunctional relationship. You don’t have to look much further than the show “Catfish” to see the extreme example. It’s like you can predict the level of dysfunction by correlating the time between contact on social media and actual contact.

If you’ve had a relationship “on line” for more than a couple weeks and have not touched the person you’re communicating with physically there’s certainly something “Fishy”! One of you is hiding something. If the “relationship” has morphed to months or years it’s about as real as your infatuation with a TV star.

These are of course extreme examples. Normal folks don’t have these detached virtual relationships and believe they’re real. It doesn’t mean they can’t work in the real physical world. Maybe two folks finally meet, have some drinks, and laugh off the lies disguised as exaggerations and move foreword with their real selfs. Highly unlikely, but possible if you have no expectations.

My point is that even our closest friends who may “love” some things about us, may not like things about us, this is normal. It’s cool to be liked. The need to be “loved” is usually a delusion tied to something you do or have. It’s good enough to be a “good guy, or girl”.

The meaning of love is under attack. The onset of social media has deluded its meaning and contributed to dysfunctional virtual and real relationships. A little thought before you let those words or letters fly can go a long way towards being liked for who you are.

The expectations for loved ones are not temporary or attached to anything but the heart. So go forward and be a good person, that will yield more happiness and love than any word will produce.

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Toxic Environments

Toxic environments aren’t necessarily detectable to the senses. Time, relations, and motivations all get in the way of us seeing the things that choke us. It can never be personal, or you’ll end up spinning in the circles that make you dizzy.

It’s sort of like the three year old in the “Johnny Johnny” videos. That little bastard gets into everything and all he ever says after his dad asks him “telling lies” is “No Papa”. It’s humorous to us, but the little bastard is a liar.

Learning to look empathetic towards folks when they are deceitful like you would look at “Johnny Johnny” is an acquired skill. You have to put yourself in a place where you see past the deceit. You have to be above it!

Co dependence plagues our cultures to the point folks have even tried to establish truth as a subjective concept. I understand this progressive delusion, it’s necessary in the pursuit of justification. The field of behavior is wide open after this dysfunction is perpetrated.

Now you can hear folks justifying dysfunction based on others behavior. So I can take what belongs to others because I have needs. I can shoot another person because I have interests others are interfering with. I can stay in my addiction because no one cares. I can use people for my needs because they have too much anyway, or maybe the most damaging; I’ll tell a lie if it gets me what I desire, no one else is telling the truth. These are some of the root ills that folks use to justify their behavior, and the fault where co dependence sneaks in under the guise of love and caring.

These toxic environments replicate theirselves in millions of forms everyday across the world. Honesty becomes a liability and friendship becomes convenience. Even marriage or kinship become a bartering chip for individual needs. Nothing is off limits as long as “I” benefit and perpetuate my dysfunctional existence.

These relationships can be temporary or long term, depending on the folks involved. If you sense something wrong, it will probably turn out wrong. This is the point to bow out gracefully. Take the high ground and understand why it is you accepted this delusion. If you did it knowingly for the right reason, pat yourself on the back and move on. If you found yourself in the midst of it, walk on and reflect on how you got into the situation to begin with. If you didn’t have a clue do some soul searching and spend some time alone. Either way, create some respectful distance.

Constant drama, incessant focus on others problems, and lack of accountability are “Red Flags”! If you encounter this, or you’re perpetrating this, stop. Just real yourself in and call it for what it is. Be honest with yourself about yourself and others.

Many folks want to experience the best of the folks we come in contact with. We have these hopes and fantasies about our relationships that don’t always align with others and that’s ok. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re “that guy or gal” who finds yourself in the midst of a toxic environment. Distance yourself and decontaminate your brain and heart. Stay too long and you’ll become one of the monsters disfigured by delusion.

Awakened

Thoughts of you framed in the shadows of lattice separate my heart from mind. I wonder about in the stillness of a gentle breeze caressing my dreams towards you; towards us intertwined outside of this prison, where flesh is a memory.

There are layers in here that spiral downwards or upwards to freedom. I lay here as a vessel of dreams only to awaken to memories of you wrapped in the hope that Love is all I remember, not what I fear. All these places I travel motionless, they’re sweet lies.

When is a hopeful expression. I hold you in my thoughts as my soul screams for the touch of just a finger tip on my lips to quiet my mind. A life of pictures, words, and dreams meld into the reality that I can have you in my arms once again, but the nightmare begins when I awaken.

Gaze

I look into your eyes till you become a feeling and desire consumes my heart. I no longer see us, I feel the space that’s always one pulse away from something unexplainable. A place where love pales in comparison.

I keep writing in hopes of finding the words; in the same manner I keep looking deeper into your eyes hoping to find that space where you and I no longer are us. Where a minute is eternity.

Your eyes are embedded in my soul. I breathe to see you past anywhere sight could take me. Blinded by the beauty of us. The beauty of two people without a world to cloud the light of love.

I no longer look at you; I’ve seen what loving deeply means. Your gaze draws me within myself where the embers of us burn forever. Your eyes are like a soft breeze igniting memories and hopes into the fire of now.

Every time I look in your eyes is like looking into the lucid heat of a mirage. I feel the heat of our love warming my soul and suddenly the world melts around us. So I’m lost within now stretched across moments and space, hiding from time and the world, lost within you.

Exceptions

Truth is real as reality is true
For those who enquire
Bidding ignorance adieu

To move along in the realm of subjection
Denying what is objective
Is a grammatical prison

So move past the post modern
Into a new reality that’s old
As the books you burn
Where truths are bold

This ain’t no microdot mishap
With melting doors and walls
Oozing memories like sap.

It’s that one exception that gives you away
The one I have to ignore
To believe what you say

That’s the point of no return
For sanity and coherence
The truth of you
And a trail of ignorance

So speak your mind
Not your heart
I’ll respond in kind
And fresh we’ll start

Psychological Incest: Living with “Little Man”!

I was having a conversation with a friend about relationships. We were talking about the stereotypical “little man” or “bad boy” situations many woman find theirselves in. These often co dependent relationships leave many woman confused and hurt seemingly never being able to do enough, or the right thing.
On the surface you think, “why doesn’t this person wake up and find a man, instead of chasing after boys, or dudes acting like men?” It’s obviously way more complicated than that.
“Little man” in many cases has been manipulating women since birth. The absence of a male figure leaves them psychologically stunted in relationships when they’re older. Their experience tells them they act out, the woman responds with guilt or anger, then she makes excuses for his behavior to make him feel better. This rubric may have been in place for 18 years and your daughter may be the unlucky woman to encounter this guy.
She’ll spend most of her time sacrificing her own needs to create peace within the house. When he acts out because he wants a motorcycle, or a bag of weed, she’ll sacrifice getting her new outfit, cause he tries hard, but just can’t catch a break. She may lie to herself to the point it’s embarrassing and awkward to keep the hope that it will all turn out in the end.
This is the dangerous place for her and the advantage he will take. He’s already learnt from Momma to keep their business in the house. So she distances herself from friends and becomes reclusive because it’s too embarrassing to have people see life ain’t quite working out the way she planned. He gains more influence over her perspective because he’s the only one she can talk to without accepting she is ina failed relationship. Now she’s stuck.
At first she has unrealistic expectations and you cannot say anything without becoming the enemy. She will defend the person who is psychologically abusing her to protect her dream, or hope. Meanwhile things become more turbulent in the home.
By the time he has recreated his childhood in his new house norms have become dysfunctional. She may feel like she is the mother one minute and the spouse the next. This “psychological incest” he is perpetrating solidified his role as the man and the child in the home and she learns to adapt to which person she is dealing with.
When money is tight or kids act up he’s the child who needs space or quite. He may need dinner or a drink he has worked to hard to fix. When the check rolls in he’s the man who has the plan to come up. He’s gonna pay to get her hair done or take the kids to Chucky Cheese.
The set up is; half way through the week when he doesn’t have money for lunch and has to make his lunch he’s the victim. Maybe he can’t afford beer or weed till payday, but he works so hard, he deserves to kick back and get a buzz. Now he’s suffering for her and she better respond with sacrificing her needs for him. Eventually the entire house revolves around his needs because he’s manipulated everyone into thinking he is the center of the household, like when he was younger with Momma.
“Little man or “bad boy” are portrayed too positively in our culture. I’m raising another little girl and I think real hard about the mistakes I’ve made and how I can do better for her. First off, I ain’t raising a victim or a wife. I’m hoping my daughters find men who are their friends and that they keep each other as priorities. I hope they can call each other out and be more empathetic, than sympathetic to each other. Of course we all want our kids to have lives filled with challenges they conquer, but raising “little man” or “bad boy” is on my list of “no no’s”. I can’t control who they marry or date, but I can make them aware so they know that I know it’s a choice they’re making. We won’t lie to each other.
They’re are hundreds, if not thousands, of characters in the relationship game. Family, friends, and co workers are just a few. I focused on “little man” and “bad boy” because of how prevalent they are in our society and cultures. He travels across race, ethnicity, and culture creating havoc and leaving families in turmoil for his own gratification. I hope my daughters stay clear of this minefield and writing this was my first step in preventing them from trying to raise “Momma’s Boy”!

Her sense

Listen to her words, don’t just hear her
She’s speaking to her own heart for you to hear

Why do you speak to her in that tone which is yours
When all you have to do is whisper to her pain and sorrow

So take the time to feel her soul with your hand in hers
Not pulling or squeezing, just patiently awaiting that moment she knows

It’s easy when you put yourself aside for one glorious moment and you realize time is the elixir that soothes your desires for her needs

Then, the beauty of her scent reminds you of past passions and future dreams and you can taste tomorrow in all the sweetness that comes with inhaling her breath as part of your life